That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
best review i’ve ever seen
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.