Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.