Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free