Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
saving face 👀
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.