[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”