Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much