Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Cinematography is my passion
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.