Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”