Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
john wicks are toilet candles
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.