Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’m confused about plants
mechanics be like
who wore it better?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.