Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts