The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…