The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You Might Also Like
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
huge if true: the moon
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud