Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”