Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.