I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background