Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”