*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
It’s a gift
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog