I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog