Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’m about to risk it all
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
🐕🍷
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.