Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
the battle rages on
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?