Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
some Old Testament wisdom
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When you let grandma cat sit
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog