It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.