This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
How to properly lift a body
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.