“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
You Might Also Like
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
me hitting on a model
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Body by sandwich.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it