Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.