*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
According to math, I’m broke
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Wikigenius
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts