I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.