I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web