You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
(Jupiter –
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.