good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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Body by Oreos
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*