Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Friday night party time 🥳
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking