trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
New tinder profile pic
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
why no one uses midhusbands
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.