if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.