DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I only treason on days ending in y
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.