[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??