My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”