For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
i meant to share this earlier
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.