Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Yoga Matt
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?