My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”