I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.