wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.