*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton