“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I already tried new things thanks.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!