Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.