Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
HR said no more nunchucks.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds