When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
A short story of betrayal:
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.