WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You Might Also Like
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
New Tinder profile.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children