Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.