When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You Might Also Like
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*